Opening Paragraph Overwork

Over at the Books and Writers forum on Compuserve, I'm participating in the Firsts workshop, where we writers are working to hone the all-important openings of our WIPs-- the hook with which we hope to catch the attention of an agent. We did first sentences, first paragraphs, and first pages. Right now we're in the midst of workshopping our first five pages. I'm amazed at the effort people are putting into each other's work, even four sessions into the workshop, with pieces getting longer and longer. Kudos to all of you!

From the first workshop onward, my first paragraph has evolved multiple times based on overwhelming critiques and suggestions from my fellow writers. I'm grateful for all the good advice I've gotten, and all the time and energy people have invested in helping me get it just right. I think it's a lot stronger now, and more succinct.

But as it continues to receive comments, I'm beginning to ask myself when to stop polishing it and leave it be. One of my best critters confirmed my gut feeling that the changes have gotten to where they are only making the paragraph more awkward, not less. I've restored part of an earlier draft, making it more to my satisfaction.

It's a good rule of thumb that it's time to stop editing when you start restoring bits and pieces that were cut earlier. Seeing as I've hit that point now, I suspect I should be setting it aside and concentrating on other aspects of the opening instead.


Draft #1:

Tension hung in the air like the heaviness of the last summer heat. It was as if the whole of Burzski village was holding its breath. Heidi Jasinska felt it that afternoon, more real than words. Before today, she'd told herself there was no possibility that war could happen here. She had heard her father and his best friend, Andrej Malov, discuss the rumors over cups of coffee, but until now most of the villagers had disregarded their warnings as mere exaggerations.

Draft #2:

Tension hung in the air like the heaviness of the last summer heat. Heidi Jasinska felt it, more real than words, as if the whole of Burzski village was holding its breath. Before today, it didn't even seem possible that war could happen here. True, she'd often heard her father and his best friend, Mr. Malov, discuss the rumors over cups of coffee, but most of the villagers had dismissed their warnings as mere exaggerations.

Draft #3:

Tension hung in the air like the heaviness of the last summer heat. Heidi Jasinska felt it, as if the whole of Burzski village was holding its breath. Before today, it didn't even seem possible that war could happen here.

Draft #4:

Before today, it hadn't seemed possible that war could happen here. But now tension hung in the air, heavy like the last summer heat. Heidi Jasinska felt as if the whole of Burzski village were holding its breath.

Draft #5:

Tension hung in the air, heavy like the last summer heat. Heidi Jasinska felt as if the whole of Burzski village were holding its breath.

Draft #6:

Before today, it hadn't seemed possible that war could happen here. Tension hung in the air like the heaviness of the last summer heat. Heidi Jasinska felt as if the whole of Burzski village was holding its breath.